Knowing how to deal with difficult people is an essential skill if you want to be happy. Some people will tell you that it’s you. YOU are the one with the problem and you just need to get over it no matter how difficult someone else is. Now, I’m the first to say that What we Focus on is How we Feel however no amount of positive thinking about someone will change their wrong behavior.
If you have ever felt burdened by someone telling you that it’s your thinking about the situation, not the situation itself, then I have very good news for you!
Guess what? Boundaries keep us safe! Have you ever been swimming in a lake or the ocean and see the boundary signs posted? Signs like Rip Current or Undertow. Or maybe you have been hiking near a cliff with a fence. The signs and the fence are telling you what the boundaries for safety are. Someone assessed the area and the situation and set an appropriate boundary.
Setting boundaries with people works the same way and it is very healthy. Jim Rohn teaches that we all have people in our lives that we need to either eliminate, limit or encourage. If you are trying to keep the peace with toxic, mean, cranky, or abusive people too often you will be exhausted. It has a definite negative effect on you. Here’s the good news, you don’t have to allow that in your life! Assess the situation and set your appropriate boundaries.
We become like the 5 people we spend the most time with so
Now, here is even better news…You get to protect yourself! You get to choose who you spend time with. Think about the people you know and associate with. Do they build you up? Are they helping you be a better person? Do they have the same goals and aspirations as you? Do they encourage you to live your dreams? Are they happy when you succeed?
Please don’t ever feel that you have to be with someone who disrespects you, makes you feel small, or who treats you inappropriately in any way. Please don’t think that their behavior is your problem because it is NOT. It’s there’s let them own it
At the end of the day not setting boundaries sets you up to be a victim and you deserve so much more. There are healthy, happy, building relationships out there waiting for you. You just need to make sure you have room for them be keeping the not so good relationships out.
Allow yourself to set boundaries. Start setting them today. You are a wonderful person who deserves respect and love.
Do you have any tips that have worked for you when setting boundaries? Tell me about it in the comments!
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P.S. If you enjoyed this article you’ll also love How to be Happy: What we Focus on is How we Feel.
What if the negative, difficult person is your child and you can’t choose to be around them or not? I have worked very hard to work on myself and put myself in a place that can handle better situations with this child, but it still comes down to them making life hard for me and everyone in the family. I can set up all the boundaries I want, but they really control so much of my time and efforts by what they do and don’t do in our family. I want to help, love, encourage, edify and support this child. They have progressed and have come far, but too often problems are being caused, neglect of responsibilities and bad choices by this child are daily. I can’t even create boundaries to protect my other children (unless he’s being unsafe physically in which case I remove me and my children from the situation by leaving home) because he disregards me. There’s no punishment because he won’t listen. He just gets to miss out on activities but this isn’t a motivator for change. I’ve stopped getting upset knowing that this doesn’t motivate anyone to change, but there’s got to be more I can do to have order in my home.
Hi Amber, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The dynamics of family life can be very challenging. The challenge with a difficult child is that this relationship is different than any other because they look to you for a standard to live by and are your responsibility.
The fact that you are setting boundaries to keep you and your other children safe is a good thing! I would encourage you to continue to do that. I am not a therapist and can only speak from my experiences and training as a coach. My experience with children is that children without boundaries will continue to push because they are looking for safety. A boundary shows us where to stay to be safe. I would make sure the boundaries you set are consistent and that you try to follow through with the consequence as much as possible. We are all human so don’t be too hard on yourself if life happens and you are not perfect with this. I would also make the consequence matter to him. Make it something that will really have an influence because it’s important to him. I would also make sure you and your husband understand his love language. We all feel love in different ways and I’m sure you and his dad are showing him love. He may not be interpreting it that way though based on his love language. An excellent book to refer to is The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. Here is a link to an article that might be helpful as well https://exploringyourmind.com/toxic-children-not-only-adults/
I hope this helps. You may also want to consider some counseling for you and this child to try to understand what is going on inside his head. He probably doesn’t know even himself why his behavior is inappropriate. Hang in there, mamma! You’re doing better than you will ever know! Always remember that God loves you and this child and will help you both.